Challenging relationships? Try setting healthy boundaries
by Jelena Duma
September 10, 2011

In love, business, or friendships, we sometimes end up feeling hurt. Boundaries can be a way to protect our needs and feelings in order to feel safe in our relationships. 

Physical boundaries identify the limits of physical contact: who we allow to touch us and how close they can come to us.

Mental/emotional boundaries deal with issues like:
Are we able to say “no”? Can we ask for what we need? Do we feel responsible for the feelings of others and neglect our own? Do we live to please others? Do we become upset because others are upset with us?

If the boundaries are too tight, we are building walls, and not allowing space for intimacy. If the boundaries are too loose, we don’t know where we end and others begin, and we begin to lose our identity.

With healthy boundaries we are both firm and flexible. We know how to set limits but also how to allow others into our life. We become comfortable with ourselves, and make others comfortable around us. We are able to negotiate and compromise, and are able to make mistakes without damaging our self-esteem. 

Tips to set healthy boundaries:

• If you feel unhappy, unsettled, hurt, manipulated or angry about someone’s actions, you may need to set a clear boundary in your relationship. 
  
  
• Do not explain or defend yourself for the boundary you are setting. Do not apologize. Say it in a clear, specific, respectful way so that others can understand.
  
  
• Setting boundaries is not a comfortable process. It may involve feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment, especially if you have never done this before. Do not involve your feelings when you are setting your boundaries. Stay strong and deal with your emotions later.
   
• As you take responsibility for your feelings, allow others to do the same. It’s not possible to manage other people’s feelings and still set your boundaries.
  
  
• Respect yourself and the need for the boundary you are setting. Ask the same respect from others.
  
  
• Many people will respect your boundary. But if some of your friends, relatives or work colleagues try to manipulate and violate your boundary, give yourself permission to walk away from these people. They don’t deserve you.
  
  
• Honor yourself for who you are and what you want. You deserve it!