Are You Really Listening

heather

Are You Really Listening?
by Jelena Duma
October 15, 2011

“If speaking is silver, then listening is gold.” ~ Turkish Proverb

Were you listened to as a child? Do you feel understood and accepted for the person you are? Have you ever been allowed to talk freely and openly about your deepest desires and longings? Do you have a person in your life who can listen to you with no interruption or judgment? Do you truly listen to yourself?

Alchemy is an ancient tradition with the goal to create “the philosopher stone” in order to transform the lead or base elements into gold and also serve as “the elixir” of eternal youth. For authentic human communication and connection, that “philosopher stone” could be our ability to listen.

There are many reasons to why we should learn to listen. Just to name a few:

to learn new information
to connect to and get along with others
to become aware of what others need
to become aware of what we need
to show that we care
to learn other persons perspective of the problem or the situation
to pick up on body language, gestures, expressions, and other non-verbal clues
to begin to understand others on a deeper level
to begin to understand ourselves on a deeper level
to be more productive in our career
to better understand our work and what is expected from us
to establish positive working relationships with colleagues
to show support in the work place
and finally, when we truly listen to others, somehow they will start listening to us

In life, communication is frequently interrupted. If we look at conversation as a process between the speaker and the listener, we could notice that the interruption usually happens within the listener. These distractions or blockages to listening could be the following:

Psychological: limited attention span, impatience, thinking about what you are going to reply, judgment, overflowing emotions, trigger words that usually start the conflict etc
Physical: sound distraction- noise, visual distraction etc.
Cultural differences - speakers' accents, vocabulary, misunderstandings due to cultural assumptions
Personal interpretations, attitudes and prejudices
Competition between individuals for attention and focus
Pseudo-listening – listener uses the ‘polite listening face’ but nothing really records

Listening is not just about what we hear and making conclusions from the spoken words. Real listening happens when we look behind the words - observe body language, expression of feelings through sound and gestures, and allow our intuition to come out and help us understand. In psychotherapy practice, it’s not a rare situation when the true story is different from what is being told by a client. A therapist gets an intuitive hunch that there is something more to the client’s story. A good listener believes in those hunches, asks appropriate questions and helps a speaker deepen the story.

What matters to the speaker is that he or she is heard without interruption, judgment or assumption, and that his/her story is validated. All stories are different. Some are true; others not. Some have a beginning, middle and end and others ramble without an obvious conclusion. Some are comprehensive; others are fuzzy. Yet none of that really matters – being heard and accepted is what matters.

When the skill of listening is awakened, we have already transmuted our communication potential into gold. An immeasurable healing takes place when someone stops, sits down and listens to the story. Being listened to allows us to be seen and acknowledged for who we are. To allow space for this to happen, we have to start from ourselves - we have to start to listen to ourselves. I strongly believe that we all have answers for all our problems in life, we just need to awaken our ability to listen.

Tips for being a good listener

Start from yourself. Have a daily self-reflective practice like journaling, drawing, meditation, Yoga, Tai Chi or whatever makes you feel connected to your deepest Self and listen to what comes out. If your mind starts to wander, bring it back to yourself. Make a note of the dialogue; respect it and honor it.
When in conversation, give your full attention on the person who is speaking. Don't look around! Focus on the speaker’s eyes as long as it feels appropriate and not intrusive (some cultures are very sensitive about it).
Make sure your mind is focused, too. If it starts wandering, change the position of your body and try to concentrate on the speaker's words. Do not assume that you know what the person is going to say next - you might be wrong!
Observe the body language, the sound of the speaker’s voice and the expression of the feelings through different gesticulations. Notice what feelings are happening inside you, too, but still keep the focus on the other person.
Use your body language to let the speaker know you are listening. Sit up straight and look directly; nod, smile, frown, laugh, or be silent at appropriate points. Remember, you listen with your face and body as well as your ears!
Let the speaker finish before you begin to talk. If you accidentally interrupt, apologize and allow the speaker to continue; they will appreciate the chance to say everything they would like to say.
Let yourself finish listening before you begin to speak! You can't really listen if you are busy thinking about what you want to say next.
Even if you think that you know better, refrain yourself from giving advice unless you are asked to (even then think twice before you do it)! When people are telling their stories, they don’t want to be lectured. Simply listen, acknowledge and validate.
If you have a different opinion from what had been said, be aware for a right moment to have an argument. If you really want to be there for someone, maybe voicing your opinion while they are telling their story will just make them feel that their word does not matter.
If you are not sure you understand what the speaker has said, just ask. It is a good idea to repeat in your own words what the speaker said so that you can be sure your understanding is correct.
If you know all this and are a good listener, you will also know if you are surrounded by people who listen and appreciate you for who you are. Those are real and true friendships based on mutual understanding and respect. Treasure those friendships as they are helping you to grow and develop to your true potential.